Friday, January 29, 2016

The Struggle is REAL..

Cheers to all,

Here I am yet a year later from my last post.. Hmmm.. Seems like I'm having some deja vu or something ;) Anyways.. Here I am sitting in front of my screen and keyboard deciding this is far cheaper than therapy and typing is easier than writing with an active two year old. I'm not sure where my blogging adventure will take me but I do miss blogging almost daily in Jr. High and High school. Can anyone say Xanga? Man I'm getting old.. But honestly I think if more kids were using Xanga instead of Facebook.. Maybe Facebook wouldn't be quite as much the train wreck I often encounter when checking it. Going to get off my soapbox about Facebook so that I can get to the real stuff :)

So, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL! Can I get an amen?! Any SAHM, moms, wives, teachers, students nurses, office workers, bus drivers, business women.. women in general feel me on that? No matter what your career..  Women in this day and age seem to have less time and less energy than ever before. I am so incredibly guilty of running around like a chicken with its head cut off, frustrated, tired, and drained. I have been fighting many battles, seemingly small and unimportant to many. Some battles I am seeing are the same battles I've fought since childhood.. Others are new, partly caused by unresolved and untended battle wounds raging, angrily now. One of these battles is my weight.. Rooted in a bigger and more challenging battle of self-worth. If I were totally honest.. I don't see my own worth. I don't mean that in a puffed-up, proud way.. More a simple statement of I often feel fat, worthless, and not nearly as attractive as the women I see walking around. For years, I have tried to diet, exercise then quit when results weren't showing the effort I perceived I was putting in. I do have a medical condition that's quite common that makes weight loss more challenging but often, I have used it as a crutch to why I cannot seem to lose the weight. For one of the first times in my life I'm acknowledging the emotional and spiritual battles I face that are manifesting themselves in the physical. I associate being emotional and having emotions as being weak and vulnerable. I know a lot of why I think this way has to do with my past trauma/experience (something to share at a different time). Therefore, if I remain "numb" and indifferent to everything.. no one can hurt me. Unfortunately.. Whatever is on the inside ALWAYS manages to manifest to the outside eventually. Unfortunately for me.. That can mean stress eating, wanting to be lazy, stay in my sweats at home, etc. There are days I truly have no desire to get out of bed.. I do because of my sweet girl. Most days it's not quite that severe.. Most days it's a constant disappointment in myself in the back of my mind as I expect so much more of myself. I expect to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, nurse.. A better woman. As the oldest of four daughters.. I'm OCD, type A, control freak (not necessarily bossy surprisingly but definitely a control freak), and expect perfection. I used to be a very trusting person, but due to some things in my past.. I learned I could not rely on anyone but myself. I had to be strong, not only for myself, but for those around me. People cannot handle broken people so.. I cannot be broken. I started to believe God cannot handle how much of a broken, hot mess I was either.. I was in essence telling God I did not believe He was good and that He has a great plan for my life. Many of my issues with self-worth and weight can be summed up in one word.. TRUST. Trust means letting go.. Something I have definitely never been good at. I want so badly to live in complete surrender but fear often holds me back from letting God be the LORD and GOD of my life.

Today, I want to state it here for anyone and everyone to see.. I choose to let it all go. "To let go, and let God". I want to live and walk by faith. God knows exactly how much I can handle and I trust Him to lead and guide me today and all the days of my life. I wholly surrender my life, my family, all I have to Him. Only in giving Him what is His, will I live in true JOY and FREEDOM! I am terrified of letting go but I am so ready for whatever God has in store for me. I want to go on this weight loss journey with Him by my side. I do not want to go at this fight alone anymore.. Because when I do I inevitably quit and fail and end up in a worse place than when I started. I am ready to see myself the way God sees me so that I may see others also in the way my Father sees them.

The struggle may be real but.. Praise be to God that Jesus is REALER and fighting on my behalf!

Closing thought: "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how BIG your God is!"