I can't.. I just can't, but He CAN

As I struggle to get through a workout that would have been a breeze for me in high school, I'm struck by how out of shape I truly am.. In fact, I cry out multiple times through out my workout for the good Lord to bring me through it. As a person who has always been into sports and participated in athelectics for much of my academic careers, it's incredibly discouraging to find myself where I am today.

Although no one likes to feel like a failure or that they cannot accomplish whatever they set their mind to, the reality is that without my Savior, I can't. I can't reach my goals. I can't be the woman I so long to be. I can't be the wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, nurse, etc. without Him. As humbling as feelings of defeat can be, I hope I never forget that I need Him every second of every day. That without God LITERALLY holding me together, I can't.

I will carry on this journey only by God's grace. I need Him, O how I need Him. I have faith He will bring me through victorious. I have such high hopes for where He will bring me to when this journey of weight loss is complete. I know it will be a life long struggle to maintain health even when weight loss is achieved. No matter what obstacles may come my way, I know my God is GREATER! My heart is overflowing with joy for the life I can have through my loving Father. I love Him and I know He loves me with a love so deep and unimaginably I cannot fathom the depth. That is peace that passes all understanding.

Until next time, with love keep resting in His love and striving for your goals <3

#My600lbLife

Good evening,

As I sit here and watch one of my new favorite shows, "My 600lb life", I am overwhelmed with a sense of empathy and heartbreak. I may never have been as overweight as the people who's stories are laid bare for the world.. but I am currently at my heaviest weight. There is a reoccurring theme of people who have struggled with deep emotional issues treated by over eating since childhood. I can remember feeling fat, ugly, and inadequate as a 6-year old girl. {Side note-I pray and I hope my daughter (or any girl in the world) NEVER feels that way.. Especially at so young of an age} Every time I watch this show, it awakens something in me. Feelings that make me uncomfortable, sometimes because they hit so close to home for me, and other times because my heart truly hurts for them. It has caused me to give serious consideration to pursuing one of my original career goals of becoming a counselor. When I allow myself to take of my critical, judgemental shield, I become the open, vulnerable, compassionate person I believe God wants me to be. I have never considered nutrition or exercise to be within a career field for me but as I have always struggled with body image and self worth, a career involving both counseling and nutrition/exercise seems to be something I would love to find out more about. I am unsure of where this journey will take me, or what the career (much less career path) would look like, but I'm making a commitment to myself to look into and research what kinds of opportunities are out there. I only have one life to live and I want to make an eternal impact for Christ. One of my favorite quotes is "calling is where our gifts and our burdens collide". I can not even tell you guys how much I LOVE this.. I don't know about ya'll but I am so ready play my part in God's story!

This clip is from one of my favorite devotionals and I want to share it because it's been one of the prayers of my heart that I could be a woman who speaks life over other woman. A woman who affirms you in your calling and celebrates with you when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and gives you authority and favor! I seek to be a woman who is not out to compete or compare myself to other woman.. Because it's so easy for me ya'll! So easy

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=23s0SQJZEko

I will close with sharing one last thought.. In this same devotional, Rebekah Lyons "Freefall to Fly-Meaning follows surrender" she talks about how anxiety is often rooted in unfulfilled responsibility. I do not know about anyone else out there but I am so guilty of not being obedient and attentive to what the Lord would have be do and who He would have me be. I am ready to trust and surrender all false control to Him. I'm ready for Him to take the lead and if He knows I can't handle anymore than the next step, I pray I have the faith to take the step in courage and faith, know He has ONLY my best and His glory in mind. Have a blessed weekend ya'll! {My southern husband has rubbed off on me in my almost 10 years of knowing him}.

The Struggle is REAL..

Cheers to all,

Here I am yet a year later from my last post.. Hmmm.. Seems like I'm having some deja vu or something ;) Anyways.. Here I am sitting in front of my screen and keyboard deciding this is far cheaper than therapy and typing is easier than writing with an active two year old. I'm not sure where my blogging adventure will take me but I do miss blogging almost daily in Jr. High and High school. Can anyone say Xanga? Man I'm getting old.. But honestly I think if more kids were using Xanga instead of Facebook.. Maybe Facebook wouldn't be quite as much the train wreck I often encounter when checking it. Going to get off my soapbox about Facebook so that I can get to the real stuff :)

So, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL! Can I get an amen?! Any SAHM, moms, wives, teachers, students nurses, office workers, bus drivers, business women.. women in general feel me on that? No matter what your career..  Women in this day and age seem to have less time and less energy than ever before. I am so incredibly guilty of running around like a chicken with its head cut off, frustrated, tired, and drained. I have been fighting many battles, seemingly small and unimportant to many. Some battles I am seeing are the same battles I've fought since childhood.. Others are new, partly caused by unresolved and untended battle wounds raging, angrily now. One of these battles is my weight.. Rooted in a bigger and more challenging battle of self-worth. If I were totally honest.. I don't see my own worth. I don't mean that in a puffed-up, proud way.. More a simple statement of I often feel fat, worthless, and not nearly as attractive as the women I see walking around. For years, I have tried to diet, exercise then quit when results weren't showing the effort I perceived I was putting in. I do have a medical condition that's quite common that makes weight loss more challenging but often, I have used it as a crutch to why I cannot seem to lose the weight. For one of the first times in my life I'm acknowledging the emotional and spiritual battles I face that are manifesting themselves in the physical. I associate being emotional and having emotions as being weak and vulnerable. I know a lot of why I think this way has to do with my past trauma/experience (something to share at a different time). Therefore, if I remain "numb" and indifferent to everything.. no one can hurt me. Unfortunately.. Whatever is on the inside ALWAYS manages to manifest to the outside eventually. Unfortunately for me.. That can mean stress eating, wanting to be lazy, stay in my sweats at home, etc. There are days I truly have no desire to get out of bed.. I do because of my sweet girl. Most days it's not quite that severe.. Most days it's a constant disappointment in myself in the back of my mind as I expect so much more of myself. I expect to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, nurse.. A better woman. As the oldest of four daughters.. I'm OCD, type A, control freak (not necessarily bossy surprisingly but definitely a control freak), and expect perfection. I used to be a very trusting person, but due to some things in my past.. I learned I could not rely on anyone but myself. I had to be strong, not only for myself, but for those around me. People cannot handle broken people so.. I cannot be broken. I started to believe God cannot handle how much of a broken, hot mess I was either.. I was in essence telling God I did not believe He was good and that He has a great plan for my life. Many of my issues with self-worth and weight can be summed up in one word.. TRUST. Trust means letting go.. Something I have definitely never been good at. I want so badly to live in complete surrender but fear often holds me back from letting God be the LORD and GOD of my life.

Today, I want to state it here for anyone and everyone to see.. I choose to let it all go. "To let go, and let God". I want to live and walk by faith. God knows exactly how much I can handle and I trust Him to lead and guide me today and all the days of my life. I wholly surrender my life, my family, all I have to Him. Only in giving Him what is His, will I live in true JOY and FREEDOM! I am terrified of letting go but I am so ready for whatever God has in store for me. I want to go on this weight loss journey with Him by my side. I do not want to go at this fight alone anymore.. Because when I do I inevitably quit and fail and end up in a worse place than when I started. I am ready to see myself the way God sees me so that I may see others also in the way my Father sees them.

The struggle may be real but.. Praise be to God that Jesus is REALER and fighting on my behalf!

Closing thought: "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how BIG your God is!"

Time for a change...

Hello all,

It's been almost 3 years since my last post but I've decided to return to blogging! So much in my life has changed but I am so blessed to be living my happily ever after..

2015 has just started but I have made no official "resolutions" this year.. I definitely am starting a weight loss journey as I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I want to lose weight for more reasons for some many reasons.. Here are some of them: I want to take better care of my temple, I want to be healthy, I want to earn self-confidence, I want to be healthy for my husband and my baby (and future babies), I want to be FIT and HEALTHY!

I have always struggled with self-image and self-confidence. I literally HATE what I see when I look in a mirror. Most of the time I do not like going out because I do not feel comfortable in my own skin.. I hate that I worry about people thinking or judging me because of my weight. Honestly though, this change is for me. I am not changing for others.. I'm changing for me and because I want to be around for my family for as long as possible. I want to be a good steward of this body God gave me. I am a child of the Most High God and I am not going to allow my weight to hold me back. I want to be healthy so I can have more energy and serve Him better. Whether that is in raisng my daughter (future kids), being a wife, being a nurse, a daughter, a friend, a listener, etc.. In everything God has called me to, I desire to please Him and live and do to the fullest!

I am  tired of constantly worrying about my appearance.. It literally can consume my thoughts and ruin my day in a matter of seconds. It's time for me to make a decision to change. It's time for me to stop wishing and to start doing! I know this journey will be hard and seemingly impossible at times but so worth while.. I call this a weight loss journey because it is a journey to a lifestyle change. I do not want to be yo-yo dieting for the rest of my life. I want to form good, healthy eating and exercise habits. I want to set an example for my children and for my patients. I want to LIVE FULLY! 

God has so richly blessed me! With His help.. ALL things are possible! I move forward with the journey on a day-by-day basis.. Celebrating in times of success, learning from times of failure.. All to become the BEST woman, daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, nurse, etc. I can be. All GLORY and HONOR to the King of Kings! I praise Him for all He has done and will continue to do in my life!

Consistency... Crap!

Short blog post today... So frustrated that I feel as if I am the MOST inconsistent person ever. I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions that it drives me bonkers. I definitely need to work on being a BETTER person. Relying on the ONE who can change me from the inside out.

"Accept the challenge in order to experience the exhilaration of victory"

To be quite honest, I have a hard time accepting challenges most of the time. I want all the gain and glory that comes with victory without all the work that comes with it. Well, I think its about time I get off my lazy butt and accept the challenge. I must decide to become a better woman; nothing happens by simply wishing for it. People always say, set realistic goals so you don't get discouraged if you don't reach them. However, what's the point in setting mediocre goals? Isn't the whole point of having goals to become better and to strive for the better? Is discouragement really that bad and at what cost does it come to avoid it? I could see where discouragement could be a bad thing but what about the positive... Choose to use the discouragement to make you strive to be better! No one is a product of circumstance, everyone is a product of choice.. Everyone goes through tough times and seriously rough patches (granted, some more than others). It is entirely up to you whether you CHOOSE to be better and stronger or CHOOSE to be bitter and weak. I am choosing to be better and have set the following (short and long term) goals for myself (more to come in the future):

1. Return to my first Love, the One who gives me life and has so graciously adopted me as a child of the King; HE must INCREASE. i must decrease daily
2. BE 110-115lbs. about a year from now, February 1, 2013
3. Become an ever bettering woman, wife, daughter, sister, friend, student, and mentor
4. Be a world changer and a life IMPACT-er
5. RESPECT everyone. LOVE deeper. WALK faithfully. BELIEVE harder. CHOOSE happiness. LIVE humbly. FORGIVE freely. LAUGH everyday. BE courageous. BE disciplined. BE integrity. BE hope. BE FOREVER-CHANGED

I am relying 110% on the POWER of the One who saved me; I can't do this on my own... Challenge me, keep me accountable-I hope you will dear bloggers.

"You have to get out of the boat to walk on water"

House and home are two words that are NOT interchangable

Study, study, study... Run/exercise, eat, breath, study, study, study... insignificant amounts of sleep = this nursing student's life.

There's a rather sizable hole right in the middle of my kitchen ceiling. I can now look upon parts of the house I never wish to see again. All I can hope and pray for is that the repair of the ceiling is not ridiculously expensive. It was difficult enough to fix the plumbing problem since our -not so- lovely warranty company are such butt wipes. Our company covered $43 dollars of a $143 dollar bill.. incredibly helpful. I hope nothing else goes wrong with our house because this warranty company is pretty incompetent.

I am so thankful that there is a difference between a house and a home. It's a very good thing that the house condition is not a reflection of the condition of the home. The value of a good house may be any number that fluctuates and follows patterns of an -uncertain- economy. However, the value of a good home is and cannot be bought; rather by nature, it is priceless. Although the condition of my house is that exactly up to par, I'm thankful that this has no effect on the condition of our home. Sure, stress levels are higher when unexpected expenses arise on top of existing expenses. Can everybody sing, oh the joys of homeownership? At the end of the day, I am thankful to have a house in an economy with ever-increasing foreclosures. However, I am infinitely more grateful that I have a home both in this life and in eternity.

Its hard to keep everything in perspective until you step back and look at the bigger picture. I am so grateful to have a God that not only can see the BIG picture, but loves me enough to let me play a part in that for His honor and glory.

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said,

'Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked I shall return there.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD.'

Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God."
- Job 1:20-22

What a beautiful reminder of true worship and trust in God...

In other news:



Apparently the White House referred to Christmas Trees as “Holiday Trees” for the first time this year which prompted CBS presenter, Ben Stein, to present this piece which I would like to share with you. I think it applies just as much to many countries as it does to America . . .

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

My confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejewelled trees, Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are, Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, “Merry Christmas” to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a crib, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her: “How could God let something like this happen?” (regarding Hurricane Katrina). Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said: “I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?”

In light of recent events... terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said okay.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.'

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing yet?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit.

If not, then just discard it.... no one will know you did. But if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards, Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Love this! Beautiful honesty is never over-rated. I will not start my Obama-rant because my job is to pray for him and everyone on down...

Best wishes and love; as my cute nephew would say, *cheers*
<3