I can't.. I just can't, but He CAN

As I struggle to get through a workout that would have been a breeze for me in high school, I'm struck by how out of shape I truly am.. In fact, I cry out multiple times through out my workout for the good Lord to bring me through it. As a person who has always been into sports and participated in athelectics for much of my academic careers, it's incredibly discouraging to find myself where I am today.

Although no one likes to feel like a failure or that they cannot accomplish whatever they set their mind to, the reality is that without my Savior, I can't. I can't reach my goals. I can't be the woman I so long to be. I can't be the wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, nurse, etc. without Him. As humbling as feelings of defeat can be, I hope I never forget that I need Him every second of every day. That without God LITERALLY holding me together, I can't.

I will carry on this journey only by God's grace. I need Him, O how I need Him. I have faith He will bring me through victorious. I have such high hopes for where He will bring me to when this journey of weight loss is complete. I know it will be a life long struggle to maintain health even when weight loss is achieved. No matter what obstacles may come my way, I know my God is GREATER! My heart is overflowing with joy for the life I can have through my loving Father. I love Him and I know He loves me with a love so deep and unimaginably I cannot fathom the depth. That is peace that passes all understanding.

Until next time, with love keep resting in His love and striving for your goals <3

#My600lbLife

Good evening,

As I sit here and watch one of my new favorite shows, "My 600lb life", I am overwhelmed with a sense of empathy and heartbreak. I may never have been as overweight as the people who's stories are laid bare for the world.. but I am currently at my heaviest weight. There is a reoccurring theme of people who have struggled with deep emotional issues treated by over eating since childhood. I can remember feeling fat, ugly, and inadequate as a 6-year old girl. {Side note-I pray and I hope my daughter (or any girl in the world) NEVER feels that way.. Especially at so young of an age} Every time I watch this show, it awakens something in me. Feelings that make me uncomfortable, sometimes because they hit so close to home for me, and other times because my heart truly hurts for them. It has caused me to give serious consideration to pursuing one of my original career goals of becoming a counselor. When I allow myself to take of my critical, judgemental shield, I become the open, vulnerable, compassionate person I believe God wants me to be. I have never considered nutrition or exercise to be within a career field for me but as I have always struggled with body image and self worth, a career involving both counseling and nutrition/exercise seems to be something I would love to find out more about. I am unsure of where this journey will take me, or what the career (much less career path) would look like, but I'm making a commitment to myself to look into and research what kinds of opportunities are out there. I only have one life to live and I want to make an eternal impact for Christ. One of my favorite quotes is "calling is where our gifts and our burdens collide". I can not even tell you guys how much I LOVE this.. I don't know about ya'll but I am so ready play my part in God's story!

This clip is from one of my favorite devotionals and I want to share it because it's been one of the prayers of my heart that I could be a woman who speaks life over other woman. A woman who affirms you in your calling and celebrates with you when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and gives you authority and favor! I seek to be a woman who is not out to compete or compare myself to other woman.. Because it's so easy for me ya'll! So easy

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=23s0SQJZEko

I will close with sharing one last thought.. In this same devotional, Rebekah Lyons "Freefall to Fly-Meaning follows surrender" she talks about how anxiety is often rooted in unfulfilled responsibility. I do not know about anyone else out there but I am so guilty of not being obedient and attentive to what the Lord would have be do and who He would have me be. I am ready to trust and surrender all false control to Him. I'm ready for Him to take the lead and if He knows I can't handle anymore than the next step, I pray I have the faith to take the step in courage and faith, know He has ONLY my best and His glory in mind. Have a blessed weekend ya'll! {My southern husband has rubbed off on me in my almost 10 years of knowing him}.

The Struggle is REAL..

Cheers to all,

Here I am yet a year later from my last post.. Hmmm.. Seems like I'm having some deja vu or something ;) Anyways.. Here I am sitting in front of my screen and keyboard deciding this is far cheaper than therapy and typing is easier than writing with an active two year old. I'm not sure where my blogging adventure will take me but I do miss blogging almost daily in Jr. High and High school. Can anyone say Xanga? Man I'm getting old.. But honestly I think if more kids were using Xanga instead of Facebook.. Maybe Facebook wouldn't be quite as much the train wreck I often encounter when checking it. Going to get off my soapbox about Facebook so that I can get to the real stuff :)

So, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL! Can I get an amen?! Any SAHM, moms, wives, teachers, students nurses, office workers, bus drivers, business women.. women in general feel me on that? No matter what your career..  Women in this day and age seem to have less time and less energy than ever before. I am so incredibly guilty of running around like a chicken with its head cut off, frustrated, tired, and drained. I have been fighting many battles, seemingly small and unimportant to many. Some battles I am seeing are the same battles I've fought since childhood.. Others are new, partly caused by unresolved and untended battle wounds raging, angrily now. One of these battles is my weight.. Rooted in a bigger and more challenging battle of self-worth. If I were totally honest.. I don't see my own worth. I don't mean that in a puffed-up, proud way.. More a simple statement of I often feel fat, worthless, and not nearly as attractive as the women I see walking around. For years, I have tried to diet, exercise then quit when results weren't showing the effort I perceived I was putting in. I do have a medical condition that's quite common that makes weight loss more challenging but often, I have used it as a crutch to why I cannot seem to lose the weight. For one of the first times in my life I'm acknowledging the emotional and spiritual battles I face that are manifesting themselves in the physical. I associate being emotional and having emotions as being weak and vulnerable. I know a lot of why I think this way has to do with my past trauma/experience (something to share at a different time). Therefore, if I remain "numb" and indifferent to everything.. no one can hurt me. Unfortunately.. Whatever is on the inside ALWAYS manages to manifest to the outside eventually. Unfortunately for me.. That can mean stress eating, wanting to be lazy, stay in my sweats at home, etc. There are days I truly have no desire to get out of bed.. I do because of my sweet girl. Most days it's not quite that severe.. Most days it's a constant disappointment in myself in the back of my mind as I expect so much more of myself. I expect to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, nurse.. A better woman. As the oldest of four daughters.. I'm OCD, type A, control freak (not necessarily bossy surprisingly but definitely a control freak), and expect perfection. I used to be a very trusting person, but due to some things in my past.. I learned I could not rely on anyone but myself. I had to be strong, not only for myself, but for those around me. People cannot handle broken people so.. I cannot be broken. I started to believe God cannot handle how much of a broken, hot mess I was either.. I was in essence telling God I did not believe He was good and that He has a great plan for my life. Many of my issues with self-worth and weight can be summed up in one word.. TRUST. Trust means letting go.. Something I have definitely never been good at. I want so badly to live in complete surrender but fear often holds me back from letting God be the LORD and GOD of my life.

Today, I want to state it here for anyone and everyone to see.. I choose to let it all go. "To let go, and let God". I want to live and walk by faith. God knows exactly how much I can handle and I trust Him to lead and guide me today and all the days of my life. I wholly surrender my life, my family, all I have to Him. Only in giving Him what is His, will I live in true JOY and FREEDOM! I am terrified of letting go but I am so ready for whatever God has in store for me. I want to go on this weight loss journey with Him by my side. I do not want to go at this fight alone anymore.. Because when I do I inevitably quit and fail and end up in a worse place than when I started. I am ready to see myself the way God sees me so that I may see others also in the way my Father sees them.

The struggle may be real but.. Praise be to God that Jesus is REALER and fighting on my behalf!

Closing thought: "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how BIG your God is!"